I am a tad pissed off with Wandsworth public library

In the front of my library book is a sticker showing Wandsworth libraries' 24 hour renewal hotline. I rang it to renew my books.

Machine message to say that the service had been discontinued and I should ring ####. Went to fetch pencil and paper and rang the number again.

Then rang ####.

At #### is an automated menu system, press 1 to fart, press 2 to belch, sort of thing. It eventually suggested pressing # to renew books.

Pressed # and was asked for my library card number. OK, I typed in my library card number. Was asked for my pin. What f****** pin? I have never been given a pin. Unable to get back to the press 1 to fart, press 2 to belch system. Redialed.

OK, now in the press 1 to fart, press 2 to belch menu. It suggested I pressed # to be connected to an actual library. I pressed #.

Another press 1 to fart menu system sprang into action, asking me which library I wanted. Eventually, it gave number # to speak to Wandsworth. I pressed number #.

A person answered. Hurrah!!! But: "Can I renew my books please?" "Which library are they from?" "Putney branch" "Please ring number #####.

I rang #####. It was engaged!